Well, I’m on a diet, which means cutting down on the snacks, drinking more water, walking loads, even going to that thing called a ‘gym’. The first time I walked in I’m like, oh yes, I totally know how to use all this stuff, yeah I’m a regular, and I put the exercise bike on a treadmill and pumped weights like a boss. And instead of the big food truck lunches, I’m eating more of these. I like the little Lean Cuisines. I take the instructions very seriously. When microwaving food, you can’t mess with the instructions. I take it out of the box, like it says. Then it tells me to ‘pierce film to vent’. So I get a fork, and I’m stabbing at the film venting, “oh everything is stupid! Brexit is the stupidest thing ever! Why can’t climate change deniers listen to scientists? How are there people arguing the earth is flat? What the hell is wrong with everyone!” When my venting is over, I proceed with the instructions. “Cook on high for three minutes.” So, I unplug the microwave, and put it on the highest shelf I can find, on  the second floor of my house, which is a little inconvenient but good exercise going up the stairs, I guess. Lean Cuisines eh! When the three minutes of cooking are up, I remove the film and stir it up, just like it says, I tell the little bits of chicken that the broccoli said their mum was having it off with a goose. Then once I’m done stirring, it tells me to “re-cover”, so I lie down for fifteen minute to get my breath back. Then you cook it on high again for another two minutes, back up the stairs, back to the top shelf, which is dusty and full of Lego but I’m on a diet, I have to do this right. When the mictrowave bell rings, I have to ‘stand for a minute’, so there I am standing on the spot, looking like a twat, and that’s a long minute, I’m very hungry. And then it’s done! And twenty seconds later I have finished eating. This is a good diet.