Week Seven: Murder is Meat

November 15, 2005June 11, 2010Leave a comment

When I lived in France there was a restaurant chain called ‘Flunch’. I always thought it was a bit dangerous naming your eatery after the noise made by vomit hitting the bottom of a bucket, but then I remembered that the ‘Happy Eater’ restaurants, which once graced many a dual carriageway roadside across Britain, chose an icon of somebody putting their fingers down their throat as their corporate image. It was a kind of disclaimer, or so they told me as a child when I spilled my insides all over the slide in the play-area.

America seems to have also taken the name game seriously. In California there is a chain of fast-food restaurants called ‘In-n-out Burger’. As they only serve burgers, I do not go in there, but it’s probably just as well. However, my new favourite place in Davis is the little 50’s style diner known to locals as ‘Murder Burger’. Their tagline reads ‘So Good, They’re To Die For’, and they really are. I had an ostrich burger (while staff made possibly real noises of slaughtering an ostrich in the kitchen) and a huge, ultra-thick peanut-butter milkshake. It was an overwhelming experience. Their title dish is a massive 1lb burger called ‘Annihilation’, that if I ate red meat I would try, but it would probably kill me.

Their sign no longer reads ‘Murder Burger’, but goes by the moniker ‘Redrum Burger’. When they opened a second branch about eight years ago in a different town (one less liberal than Davis), some locals complained about the name, so they held a poll among their faithful customers to change the name. The winner, by a mile, was actually ‘Murder Burger’, but they went with the runner-up. Of course, nobody in Davis ever calls it ‘Redrum’; that would be so, like, not cool.

In a world of Taco Bells (read: ambulance sirens) and Burger Kings (read: throne up), Murder Burger sits comfortably, even if the clientele doesn’t.

Originally posted 11/15/2005

Week Six: Show Me The Levees

November 10, 2005June 11, 2010Leave a comment

Yesterday was California’s ‘Special Election Day’. Voters went to the polls not to elect a new President or oust an old Governor, but to vote on eight ‘Propositions’, changes to the state law. Popular referenda are more commonplace here than in the UK, but the advertising campaigns that accompany them are vitriolic to say the least, usually sponsored by special interest groups such as ‘parents against Prop 73’, with slogans like ‘another bad idea from the Governor’. As it turns out, the public turned down all eight measures, leaving Arnie in a bit of a sticky situation. But the problem that is really worrying Sacramento right now is not the seismic events at the ballot box, but the threat of a catastrophic flood caused by unrepaired levees in the wake of the ineviteble Big Earthquake.

We have all, after New Orleans, heard about levees. We all know what happens if governments ignore their state of disrepair. Last weekend we moved to Davis, in the greater Sacramento area. Reading the Sunday newspapers, I have discovered that not only is the Sacramento Delta considered one of the most likely places in the US to suffer a massive flood, but that governments do not want to face the problem, the ‘big, dark secret that no one wants to talk about’ (as a UC Davis geologist has put it). The levees protecting the Delta dams need updating, and fast.

Everybody knows that California has long been expecting the ‘Big One’. It suffers tiny quakes every single day, but the state is splitting apart, geologically speaking. The Central Valley will eventually become a huge Bay (probably forcing the prices of houses up rather than down). If a large earthquake strikes – it could strike tomorrow, for all we know – it is likely that the levees will fail and FEMA will once more be pulling people from rooftops. And it may not even need to be a quake that triggers it – the Sacramento Bee is equally concerned with the threat of a ‘Pineapple Express’ storm, presumably from the south. But worse than that, such a catastrophe would destroy the water supply for two-thirds of California’s population for anything up to a year. We’d need more than Arnie to get us out of that.

So when we moved into our flat (sorry, ‘apartment’), I made sure that we were placed on the second floor. When that Big Quake comes, and the floodwaters invade, the roof will be ours! I’ve already started making my sign; it reads, ‘Food, Water and Football Results Urgently Needed!’

Originally posted 11/10/2005

Week Five: Scary Monsters, Super Treats

November 1, 2005June 11, 2010Leave a comment

A couple of weeks ago an announcer on the Weather Channel enthusiastically noted: “the London version of Hallowe’en is called Guy Fawkes Day, and they actually burn effigies of Guy Fawkes on top of bonfires; I think our own Hallowe’en is much more civilized.” Naturally I forgive her of her ignorance of British culture (and the history of Hallowe’en), and I certainly wouldn’t expect her to add that this year is the 400th anniversary of the Gunpowder Plot, but calling American Hallowe’ens civilized? Now that is really taking the candy.

Since I arrived here I have been overwhelmed by the amount of costume superstores that spring up magically around every city and town. They sell everything from sexy nurse outifts to Jar-Jar Binks masks, even costumes for your pet dog. People go all out here. Houses are decked with all manner of cobwebs, skeletons, and jack o’lanterns, while gardens are filled with comical tombstones. Grocery stores prepare way in advance for the panic-buying of candy. The TV shows endless repeats of hammy old horror movies for a fortnight beforehand. Hallowe’en is truly one of the big American celebrations: commercial, overblown and utterly saccharine. And I got right into the spirit, eagerly carving my pumpkin and displaying it on the doorstep.

I was rather nervous about the impending onslaught of trick-or-treaters, though. Hallowe’en in an American town is spooky enough to anybody who grew up watching Michael Myers hack his way through doors, but I was worried about what would happen to us if we ran out of candy. Would we fall foul of ‘tricks’? Now we aren’t talking about card tricks here. I had heard that the night before Hallowe’en is sometimes known here as Devil’s Night, when youths would routinely smash windows and set fire to things (in my native Burnt Oak that is known simply as Saturday night). The TV spoke of the possibility of having flaming dog-poo left on the doorstep, or being toliet-papered, that is, having your tree or house covered in rolls of Andrex (soft, strong, and very very wrong). What sort of society is this that has bred such an atmosphere of retribution? The whole notion of ‘trick-or-treat’ is basically extortion – give us sweets, or the porch gets it.

I took no chances. We stocked up on candy – little packs of M&Ms, ‘fun-size’ Snickers bars, that sort of thing (by the way, there’s nothing ‘fun’ about a chocolate bar the size of your big toe). You cannot give them home-made treats such as cookies or apple pie here, nor even fruit. A few years back, there were a few cases of apples being poisoned (surely in the spirit of Snow White?), and razor-blades being inserted into candy. To this day, hospitals all over America offer a free x-ray service on Hallowe’en to check sweets for razors – they really have taken the fun out of the fear factor here, haven’t they. Anyway, the trick-or-treaters started knocking as soon as the Sun went down, pint-sized candy-addicts in badly thought-out costumes, most of them Mexican, all of them sugar-crazed. One girl had made no effort at all, dressing in her pyjamas and putting colored glitter on her cheeks. Does that deserve a candy? She had a pillow-case with her, expecting to fill it; to be honest, she looked like she usually did fill it, and empty it just as quickly. But on the whole the children were far more imaginative than the ‘bin-liner cloak’ witches costumes of my own and many other Brits’ childhoods. Thankfully, however, we suffered no ‘tricks’ (that I know of…), and I still have a few sweets to nibble on. The night of fear is over.

Yet there are some, apparently, who feel that it would be better to pretend that Hallowe’en does not exist at all. I don’t mean those who turn out the lights, close the blinds and wait for the doorbell to stop ringing. I have been told that there are now many schools which refuse to acknowledge Hallowe’en at all, and have cancelled the costume-wearing traditions seen by many American schoolchildren as a rite of passage. It is now celebrated as ‘Harvest Day’, and all of the ghosts and scary stories have been removed. Now that is what I call uncivilized.

Originally posted 11/1/2005

Week Four: God Only Knows

October 25, 2005June 11, 2010Leave a comment

I’m considering writing to Apple to market my latest invention – the iGod. It’s just like the iPod but specifically built for religious purposes – it’s cross-shaped (useful when you meet vampires and heathens), contains over five hundred Christian rock songs, and is perfect for downloading the latest sermon, or Godcast, from any Church in the world. Furthermore you can use it to automatically register your vote for George W Bush or any other leading Republican, as well as convert other people’s votes for them. I can’t see it being a big seller in Europe, but it might make me my million over here.

God is everywhere in America – you are reminded of this daily. ‘God Bless America’, ‘In God We Trust’, ‘One Nation Under God’ – these are drills every American has embedded in them from a very young age. Ok, the British National Anthem is ‘God Save The Queen’, but God is no more important to most Brits than the Queen is these days. In the US, faith in religion is still a make or break issue – the Religious Right currently holds much political sway. Now I am basing this on my initial observations only, I am not trying to paint an unrealistic picture, but where in England it is usually fairly embarassing to admit your religious bent, people here wear it on their sleeves (and on their bumpers). You would not find a two-minute commercial advertising the new ‘Bible on DVD’, featuring scenes of whole Ned Flanders-like families sitting around the TV grinning inanely as passages from Corinthians are read to them by a soothing mid-western voice, over saccharine vomit-inducing lift-music. But you do here; I saw one last night (right after the Gary Coleman loan advert). Diaries often contain such passages as ‘when I realised God loved me’ and ‘Bible passages that inspire my family’ (I found these in a regular diary in Barnes and Noble that was advertised as a Father’s journal – I don’t think it meant a priest). TV shows hardly ever insult God, even if they insult organised religion. It is almost as if God is American, and to be an unbeliever is to be unpatriotic.

Of course, America was settled by Europeans fleeing religious intolerance. In the case of the Puritans, this meant they were free to cross the Atlantic and be as intolerant as they liked. Nevertheless, the Founding Fathers knew that the power of the Church must never infringe upon State affairs, as was still the case in many older European countries. People who still chant ‘One Nation Under God’ in the Pledge of Allegiance at school still enforce the mantra of Seperation of Church and State. In a nation in which some states have all but reduced the teaching of Darwinian Evolution in favour of Creationism, it is still unacceptable to teach religious education in schools. I find this unbelievable – how are children to learn about Hinduism and Islam and other cultures’ belief systems if not at school? The Discovery Channel? Yet Christianity is still allowed to get in the way of Science. Museums trying to promote Darwinism are up against an education system whose textbooks regularly feature disclaimers concerning the ‘e-word’, the Chicago Tribune reports.

Christianity pervades popular culture here. A new film out soon is being premiered in churches across the land. Called ‘Left Behind: World At War’ it features an Antichrist created by the ‘Global Community’ which burns the White House down and reaks general havoc upon the planet and its environment (pretty much as the White House itself does, I think). Only those who believe in Jesus are saved, “and you don’t want to be left behind”, as a local Santa Rosa priest said in the Press Democrat. Christian Rock is all over the airwaves (and I have noticed something – when you hear a black person sing the praises of Jesus, it sounds good, it sounds cool, but when you hear a white person sing for God with a guitar it just sounds creepy). Political books always bring up God, linking it to this mythical concept called ‘values’, and using God as the ultimate patriotic symbol, like Superman. That cretinous right-wing spokesperson Ann Coulter for one says, on the back of her latest book ‘How To Talk To Liberals (If You Have To)’, that not only is invading other countries and converting them to Christianity admirable, but should be done ‘now more than ever’. Any bookstore will find ten other new books saying the same thing (with another ten accusing the Republicans of stealing God, and even Christmas, from the Left).

However, I’m starting to wonder whether my iGod gadget would be such a good idea. I mean, should we be promoting Apples in America? Remember the bollocking God gave Eve when she chose an Apple over a PC in the Garden of Eden? You should do, if you went to an American school. Let’s learn from our mistakes. Call it Eve-olution.

Originally posted 10/25/2005.

Week Three: American TV – may cause drowsiness

October 18, 2005June 11, 2010Leave a comment

Coming from the BBC culture of the UK, it’s easy to forget just how insufferable American television can be, whether it be the overblown news shows, the stomach-churning chat shows or the constant stream of asinine commercials.

“Do you have genital herpes? Ask your doctor for ‘Itch-ditch’. Contains acropolyurinothaloethylene. May cause drowsiness or amnesia.”

I’ve sadly been watching a lot of box lately, and I’ve come to the conclusion that what I am really watching are commercials with bits of show added in every so often. Channel hopping is impossible in this climate. I’ll be flicking through like a gunslinger from the Old West, and still find nothing but wall to wall adverts. A half hour show such as Seinfeld or South Park will have between three to four commercial breaks, inserted at the most random moments.

“Why am I happy? I just saved money on my car insurance with E-Z-Sure! More money for me to spend on burgers.”
“In theaters this Friday – from the director of ‘The Cop’ – He was a Cop, on the Edge, and he was Back, for More: ‘The Cop II’ – rated N for Not Sure”

It begins as soon as the opening credits are in – break one. A couple more leap unannounced into the show, and then a final one just before the final credits roll in. Adversely, there will very often not be one between shows – gee whizz, folks, that would be overkill. So why are there so many advert breaks? It surely can’t be so people can check what’s being advertised on the other side. So it’s tilme to check the TV listings in the paper. Americans all have cable, so they all have about seven thousand channels, rather than the standard five most Brits have to choose between (or three if you don’t count ITV and Channel Five, which are shite). So what’s on? A mind-numbing stream of comedy repeats, both American and British (including a worrying double-bill of ‘Are You Being Served?’), bloated ego-centric news anchor shows, dire daytime soap-operas (24 hours a day), serious-browed cop and lawyer shows, over-exposed and under-thought-out reality shows, vacuous talk-shows, the odd multi-channel publicised serial such as ‘Lost’ or ‘Desperate Housewives’ – oh, and the US edition of ‘How Clean is Your House’. You cannot escape Kim and Aggie, even here.

“New at Taco Bell, huge stuffed meat beef chicken lamb and bacon burrito with jack cheese, stringly lettuce and too much rice, chili, cheese, chipotle, chihauhauas and chewing gum (ask your doctor about side effects)”
“America’s most trusted urine remover – Urine-Gone (TM) – rids your carpet of any yellow stains – gets your floor so clean you can wipe your bum with it – call this 0800 URINE-GONE now – not available in shops”

And then the movies – Americans watch a lot of films, throughout the day. Now unlike Britain, which seems to air it’s best films after about 11.45 at night, they are shown all day here. And I love how they rate them in the listings – The Godfather, for example, is rated ‘R – contains violence, adult situations, nudity, language.’ Language? What, Italian? The interesting thing is that this exact same description is used for Jerry Maguire, not a film known for its gangland murder scenes. And ‘adult situations’? Harry Potter and the Sorceror’s Stone is listed as containing ‘adult situations’, as does Back To the Future II. Which situations would those be? When Marty flies off on a hovering skateboard? Yet in the same listings appear Platoon, Hamburger Hill and Braddock: Missing In Action III, none of which have any rating. No language, no violence, not a sniff of an adult situation – what sort of soppy friendly war was Vietnam?

“The new Monster SUV – guzzles more gas than the entire population of Bratislava – for when you absoultely positively have to go off road – protect America, buy the new Monster SUV (may cause dizziness)”

At least, after all of this, they still have The Late Show with David Letterman. Half an hour with Dave and you know it’s all been worth it…

Originally posted on 10/18/2005

Week Two: No Crony Left Behind

October 11, 2005June 11, 2010Leave a comment

Santa Rosa must have the most intelligent homeles people in the world. I’ve just joined the local Sonoma County library, and it is full of grizzled, unwashed hobos, shuffling around the journals, poring through encyclopedias, lost in thought and pungent odours. They are there every day, like mumbling monks, preparing either for an overthrow of the regularly-washed capitalist regime, or a special tramp version of University Challenge (better watch out, Paxman). Their greying pony-tails and Haight-Ashbury beards betray them as old Northern California liberal hippies, more LSD than LSE. These are not, absolutely not, the people who voted in Arnold Schwarzenegger as Governer of California.

I am yet to meet a californian who thought giving Arnie their top job – the ‘one man with one veto’ (and he aint afraid to use it) – was a good idea. Most people here are saying his days are numbered (a phrase I’ve never understood – surely all days are numbered, isn;t that what calendars are for?), but even the Governator isn’t losing support like the President is. Yes, the legendary (read mythical) ‘approval rating’ has never been lower for George W Bush, particularly after his slow response to Hurricane Katrina (he thought it was a female boxer). One of the big political stories to fall from the Katrina fiasco was the resignation of Michael Brown, the Bush-appointed head of FEMA whose only qualifications for running large scale relief operations amounted to cleaning shit from paddock floors at the horse-shows he used to run. Now, the politcial storm is Hurrican Harriet: Bush is insisting on appointing his White House legal adviser (and long-time Texan friend) Harriet Miers to the highest legal position in America, Supreme Court Justice.

Her qualifications for being the nation’s most prominent judge do not include ever having been a judge, nor ever having shown any inclination of wanting to be one. Her own judgement, in fact, is fairly dubious, having once said (to David Frum) that the President was the ‘most brilliant man she knows’, according to the SF Press Democrat. That such a Dubya-acolyte is being rewaded with a position so clearly above her station has naturally angered Democrats, but the real backlash has been from right-wing Republicans – even they abhor the obvious cronyism. On the internet, in the newspapers, on the radio and on TV, Bush is losing the support of his own supporters.

Yet surely he is just showing Americans another version of the American Dream? That you can become important and powerful even if you don’t have any qualifications or experience – in short, ignorance, stupidity and a lack of education pays off. Those homeless guys in the library are clearly wasting their time – or will one of them be the next Secretary of State?

Originally published 10/11/2005

Week One: Pete Tosses A Pumpkin

October 10, 2005June 11, 2010Leave a comment

My first week living in America, and I have tossed my first pumpkin.

It happened on Saturday, at the Sonoma County Harvest Fair, a gathering of wine-sipping apple-farming hicks which, a bit of a culture shock to a boy from Burnt Oak. Having tasted prize-winning Zinfandels and Chardonnays from all over the County, and chuckled at the hilarity that is the Wolrd Championship Grape Stomp, we put our names down to see who could chuck pumpkins the furthest. My wife chose a fairly small one, and managed to throw it an admirable ten feet; my one, on the other hand was huge. Now people had their methods – some threw it like an American Football, some held the tip and launched it, while one Chinese fellow tried to swing around and shot-put it and failed, managing a measly half a foot. I wanted to performs a footy-style throw in, but when my time came, I cannot even remember what I did. I did get a few claps though: I managed a very respectable eighteen and a half feet. Not bad for a beginner. I got a ribbon – next year I’m going for the trophy.

And so, we are finally back in the land of the huge car, the wide road, and the beating sun. After all of my emotional goodbyes, this first week has been one of conflicting feelings, a swim in a choppy cultural sea that has left me in need of a snorkel, or at least driving lessons. It is impossible to do anything here without a car. You have to get a car to go and get a car. There are freeways in even the smallest of towns because people do not like driving through the town, they would prefer to sit in traffic on a freeway than face a couple of stop signs. Fast food is everywhere – when you can’t be bothered going to the supermarket, it is a hugely easy option – nobody really wonders why everybody is fat here. I am living on doughnuts (or ‘donuts’, rather – they love to contract their words here, to leave more room for their Big Gulps), burritos and massive sodas. And uber-patriotism – only last night there was a country and western song on the radio that glorified invading other countries (particularly non-Christain ones) and raining hell-fire down upon them (“I’ll put mah boot in yaw ass”) so that we can be ‘free’, like we wouldn’t be free anyway (in fact, I wish we weren’t free to invade other countries willy-nilly sometimes, then they wouldn’t hate us so much).

Ah, it’s all an adjustment to a new way of life. People here are politically charged, be it uber-right or uber-left. If there were any more polarization they’d be throwing snowballs at each other. I’m going to sit back, listen, try not to start fights, and report it all here. This blog will now be my own ‘Letter from America’, and I’ll try to update every week.

Y’all come back now, y’hear?!

Originally published 10/4/2005