I rejoined the communications age tonight. After living a Hereward-like existence for nearly two years, I finally got a mobile – oh, sorry, a ‘cellphone’. It’s not too dissimilar to the one I had in the UK (just, you know, not blue). I never really use the phone anyway, if I can avoid it. But here, unlike in the UK and Europe, you actually get charged for receiving calls, and for receiving texts. It’s a disgrace I tell thee. So don’t call me, I won’t answer.

I tell you what though, twice today – firstly calling Fed-Ex, secondly calling AT&T – I had to use those voice-activated phone systems. I hate using those. Especially in public. For one thing, the bloody things can’t understand my accent. I say, clear as James Bond, “more options,” and they reply, “I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that, can you please repeat?” This went on. It’s all very time-consuming, and brings me to mind that Kevin Bloody Wilson song, the one about the guy who gets so angry with the phone company he tells them to stick the phone up, well, their bum. I did mention the voice system to the lady when i finally got through, and she tried giving it the “well yes, the system does have problems when we come up against lovely accents such as your own,” to which i replied, “ho ho ho, your mind tricks won’t work on me!” (well i didn’t, but i thought it, and i thought it in the jabba voice as well). Then later on, I call AT&T to top up my phone for the first time, not knowing it was another irritating voice-system. I muttered something to my wife about the message being in Spanish – and it recognised the word ‘Spanish’ and launched into the whole schpiel in espanol. I hate talking to robots. If I wanted to do that I’d pretend to have conversations with R2-D2. Well I do that anyway (he hates it when I call him Dusty Bin).

Still, the phone was a bloody good deal – just twenty bucks, phone and sim card, and that includes ten dollars credit. Can’t go wrong, guv.

By the way, did I remember to use the ‘hanging on the telephone’ gag about Saddam being executed and those guys capturing it on their mobiles? If not, well, I’m using it now.

Originally posted at 20six.co.uk/petescully