The red carpets, the designer outfits, the insufferable sycophancy, the fake smiles, the asinine and unobtrusive interviews, the vomit-inducing teary speeches – I am not referring to another day at the Samuel Alito confirmation hearings (though I could be). No, something far more important to everyday Americans than who presides over the Supreme Court and holds their very constitutional fates in his hands. Awards Season is upon us.

I have no time for those silly Awards shows. The few times they are ever interesting (Jarvis at the Brits, Michael Moore at the Oscars), the establishment dismisses them for distracting them from the arse-kissing reality of showbiz. The first Awards of the season kicked off last week with the Critic’s Choice, followed by the ‘voted-for-by-the-public’ People’s Choice. To my horror, this huge ffice:smarttags” />Hollywood event was presented by former Scottish ‘comic’ Craig Ferguson, who believe it or not is having a bloody successful career over here, even though he is less funny than he ever was. At one point he apologized to the audience for his accent, saying “all Europeans speak like this”. What, with a Scottish accent?

Last night, my wife sat down to watch the Golden Globes. It’s a bit like the Baftas in that it includes TV shows, and is second in prestige only to the Oscars, which will not be hitting our screens until March. It’s looking like it’ll be a good year for the ‘gay cowboy movie’, aka Brokeback Mountain, which won Best Motion Picture (Drama). Last year, Ricky Gervais grabbed a couple of Globes for The Office; this year, its American remake also picked up awards. It’s like a Parallel Universe; is there another Pete over here, too? Maybe he’s the one taking all the jobs I’m applying for.

Anyway, before the Golden Globes began, we caught the news, and they revealed who had won some of the awards. I was dumbfounded – surely the show was going to be live? It is in California after all, it’s our time zone. No, my wife said; it is broadcast live at eight o’clock to those on the East Coast, but we on the West Coast have to wait three more hours, and watch the recording – just like at New Years, except this time the show is coming from LA! What a cheek! Why do we in California have to be slaves to the viewing habits of the East Coast? Get your won Awards shows! I don’t even like these ridiculous glitzy ceremonies, but come on, this is the one time of year and the one industry where California is the centre of the world, surely we call the shots?

All this only fuels my dream of an independent California, where we get our own New Years and the Oscars and such are shown when we want them to be. I guess they just do things differently here. Of course, I don’t really care that much – I’m more concerned with the time-difference problem I’ll face over the summer, with the World Cup. After all, that’s the only Golden Globe I really care about.